Amber is 3rd in Helium top-rated articles!

My mommy went onto her helium today, and turns out her article is the 3 most liked by Helium Members! So she is letting me post it here!

I am a Dog, writing in human perspective. Trying to get some communication in the "Dog-Lish" Dictionary and the "English" Dictionary.

There is a difference between our language. Your manners mean waving politely, exchanging kind words, and shaking hands or making friendly gestures. But dogs are a complex species, and in our dictionary, "manners" means: ramming your nose into the crotch of your best friend, sniffing every inch of their body(especially the rear-end),barking, rough playing, and a good nip if your friend is out of line.

Okay, okay. Not very pleasant is it? We are dogs, and we try to abide by our master's laws and rules, but it is sometimes complicated. Why can't I indulge in a good genital sniffing? Because you say it is nasty and I'm a "Baa-ad" dog. Why? That is how I get to know you. Why can't I bark? I like to let you know when my best friend is walking to our house, ready to play a rough game of tug-a-war. Because you say it gives you a headache and it is rude and makes the little Masters cry.Sheesh!Can't I do anything right?

You like it when I beg for food at the table, my tiny paws laid kindly and placidly on you thigh as you snitch a piece of fillet Mignon and pop into my mouth, my white teeth sinking into the savory flesh. But when you have your friends over, and my paws hit their laps, I'm a "Baa-ad" dog! Why? Because you say it is rude and explain that I am not a starving dog. Well, I am not starving, but you made me feel bad...

When I preform tricks in front of your friends, you pet me, praise me, and give me pieces of New York strip. But if I sit down and roll over and you are reading, you don't give me food? Why? Because you reward me when you feel like it. Huh! I guess I won't listen next training class then, now will I? So I don't and you get annoyed. Why? You are a perplexing person and make me confused.

But then you start to see it my way, and I in yours. I don't sniff crotches, bark, beg, or bite. You praise me, and I adore you. You like it when I bark when a stranger is at the door, I'm a "Goo-od Dog". Thank you. Teach me and I will learn, don't except me not to do these things. I am a DOG, not a person. I used to live out there in the big, wide world without rules, boundaries, or limitations. I could ram my cold nose into my friends' crotches if I liked, I could bark at the moon if I pleased. But now I am "Evolved" as you put it. If you be patient, I learn.

My manners are nasty and odd to you, but your manners confuse and make me flustered. Give me a break! I will learn, just don't expect results over night! Sheesh. If humans spent as much time learning about dogs as dogs did on humans, humans would have already learned how to talk to us. We study you. You study us. But there is one thing we do that you do differently: You give up, I don't. I will keep on studying you until I go and join the Rainbow Bridge.

Teach me manners, and I will learn. But first, I want to lay down some ground rules of my own.

1. If I want to play outside, and you are watching that television, I will bark until you play with me.

2. I have to go to the potty, and you don't take me out, your rug becomes an honorary hydrant.

3. If I don't get my food promptly at 5:00 I WILL eat out of the trash.

4. If you don't walk me, I will go berserk.

5. Give me water, or don't bother closing the toilet lid.

Okay, comply and I will comply, understand? Don't ignore me when I have to pee, or when I have to watch you much on sweets and candies whilst my belly burns with hunger, or when I am so thirsty I think I am about to die. I am not a burden, I am a dog, But I am not a MACHINE! Take care of me and I'll take care of you.